Church Signs #3

Seen on Church Signs:

1. A church ad shows a picture of two hands holding stone tablets on which the Ten Commandments are inscribed. The headline: “For fast, fast relief, take two tablets.”
2. Come in and pray today. Beat the Christmas rush!
3. Fight truth decay—study the Bible daily.

Well, That Too!

"If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into Heaven?" asked the Sunday School teacher. "NO!" the young children all answered.

"If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would that get me into Heaven?" Again, the answer was, "NO!"

"Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave candy to all the children, and loved my wife, would that get me into Heaven?" Again, they all answered, "NO!"

"Well, then how can I get into Heaven?"

After a slight pause, a five-year-old boy shouted out, "YOU GOTTA BE DEAD!"

(Thanks to Marce this joke!)

Church Signs #2

Seen on Church Signs:

1.. Forbidden fruit creates many jams.
2. If you don't like the way you were born, try being born again.
3. Come work for the Lord. The work is hard, the hours are long and the pay is low. But the retirement benefits are out of this world.
4. Have trouble sleeping? We have sermons—come hear one!

Helping Hands

"Helping Hands" Church Bulletin Bloopers:

* Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

* The choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir.

* Women`s Luncheon: Each member bring a sandwich. Polly Phillips will give the medication.

* We are grateful for the help of those who cleaned up the grounds around the church building and the rector.

Church Signs #1

Seen on Church Signs:

1. It is unlikely there'll be a reduction in the wages of sin.
2. If you're headed in the wrong direction, God allows U-turns.
3. A restaurant next to a Lutheran Church put out a big sign that said, “Open Sundays.” The church then put up its own message: “We are open on Sundays, too.”

Two-Word Limit

A man joined a monastery and was told he could only say two words every five years. When it came time for him to say his first two words, the young monk said, "Bed hard."

A decade passed -- and he uttered, "Food bad."

At the end of 15 years, he stood before the head monk and sputtered, "I quit!"

"I`m not surprised," replied his superior. "You've been complaining ever since you got here."

Church Signs #4

Seen on church signs:

1. “The Resurrection,” a singing group, was scheduled
to sing at a church. When a big snowstorm postponed the performance, the pastor fixed the outside sign to read, “The Resurrection is postponed.”
2.. Don´t wait for the hearse to take you to church.
3. How will you spend eternity—Smoking or Nonsmoking?
4. Dusty Bibles lead to Dirty Lives.